A Series of Unfortunate Events: Part 1

What follows is, sadly, a true story about my worst day in Indiana. It’s a gruesome tale that can only be told in stages; otherwise, the trauma of reliving it might be too great to continue without some serious comfort in the form of fudge brownies (which I am currently without, thanks to a harebrained notion to eat healthier or some such nonsense). Also, I have to go to class soon.


Apparently, yesterday’s theme was “Catastrophe” in shades of black and blue. And red. An unsettling amount of red…

First off, let me just say I feel I have been handling this ungodly amount of cold and ice with aplomb. I have taken the shuttle from my apartment complex to get to class on time, and I have avoided colliding with the concrete while traversing especially icy patches. That is, until yesterday.

One of my best friends gave me a new thermos for Christmas — a really nice, dual-layer, Tervis-style Alabama cup. Needless to say, I was quite excited to use it. I was less excited about the ice-trap awaiting me outdoors. So, thermos in hand with my bag on my shoulder and only about two inches of skin showing around my eyes, I headed out extremely carefully. However, the ice in the parking lot mocked me and my efforts.

I took two steps through an empty parking spot, and I felt it; my foot slipped. For a moment, I hung in midair like a comically balanced cartoon character…and then gravity decided I’d had too many near-misses this past week and it was time I got up close and personal with the asphalt.

I’m not really sure what hit first, or how it all went down, but the next thing I know, I’m kneeling on one knee on the icy concrete, my face feels like I just took a punch, and my beautiful new thermos is skidding away across the parking lot.

And of course, there was a witness.

I stood up slowly and, taking a particular singer’s advice, shook it off.

“I’m fine,” I told my neighbor. “I’ve been waiting for this happen.” Like it was something I’d been looking forward to. Right.

Aiming for nonchalance (psh, I meant to fall), I retrieved my thermos and continued toward the front of the neighborhood and the bus that would take me to class.

But then I saw red. Literally. I swiped at my face and my glove came away bloody.

Well, crap. I was going to miss my bus. Little did I know that was going to be another theme of the day.

I reversed my trek across the parking lot, sneering at the confounding ice along the way. Once I finally managed to get back inside (gloves + doorknob + keys – friction = mumbled epithets), I was admittedly a little shocked at what I saw in the bathroom mirror.

Well, crap. I was going to be late to class. Better capture some proof in case my professor didn’t believe a native Alabama girl could slip on some ice and bust open her eyebrow (ish).

IMG_20150114_082445_689

The thing is… it wasn’t the ground that caused that gash. Instead, I was a victim of friendly fire: my brand-new, dual-layer, Tervis-style, Alabama thermos smacked me in the face (and the dignity) when I fell. I can’t help but feel it was making a bid for freedom, since it skittered away directly after beaning me.

The culprit.

The culprit.

Briefly, I considered shipping it back to my friend, Sarah, since she’d obviously re-gifted a cursed object as a Christmas present. But that would entail traversing more icy parking lots with this little gem in hand, and I wasn’t born yesterday. Fool me once and all that. Until I can be certain it can behave itself, this little thermos will be marked “For home-use only.”

Unfortunately, this icy incident was only the first travesty of the day, which started out bloody and only went downhill from there….

The trauma continues in A Series of Unfortunate Events: Part 2.

How Do You Social Media?

fb doing it wrong

According to a reputable source (aka a random friend), Facebook was first created so Mark Zuckerberg could “check out hot girls.”  Yet, the social media website has grown exponentially, to the point where everybody and their grandmother are on Facebook.

yikes

Zuckerberg never saw THIS coming…

With that kind of widespread use, there are bound to be some…we’ll call them “creative” interpretations of what Facebook is for.

As an example, some people use Facebook to keep up with friends and family (my own personal method – boring, I know).  Others use Facebook as a giant photo album to showcase their weddings, their babies, their tattoos, and most importantly, their lunch.

Others yet use Facebook as a clothesline – that is, to air out their dirty laundry.  I like to call these people oversharers.  There are some details that that guy you sort of liked back in grade school but haven’t spoken to since Y2K does not need to know, like your strange growths and odd smells.  Why some people choose to share with the world what only doctors should hear/see is beyond me.

**Author’s note: I searched for a picture, but after viewing several screenshots of posts where highly personal sights and odors were described in detail on Facebook and Twitter, I decided the human race was better off without the visual.  Instead, enjoy this cute kitten.**

cute kitten

This was also my face when Googling “TMI Facebook posts.”

And by the way, I take the Sara Bareilles approach to Facebook posts requesting that someone bring this person “some chocolate chip cookies because booorrrrrred, mmkay ;)” — I’m not going to do it because you asked for it.  I am not a delivery service.  I don’t work for Jimmy Johns.  My response to these posts (in my head, at least) is “Go get it yourself.”

But, back on track.

Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites in general have also become a popular news outlet.  For instance, when a celebrity dies, most of the people I talk to say they heard the announcement on Facebook or Twitter.  Similarly, many people get their weather information from these sites, as well.  Even though I’ve moved, I am still a Facebook “friend” (follower? groupie?) of James Spann,  a famous and popular central Alabama meteorologist (and yes, there is such a thing in Alabama, a state which tornadoes find extremely attractive).

"Respect the polygon!"

“Respect the polygon!”

But since I am already logged on to Facebook in the morning, slurping down my coffee while sorting through the daily lives of my closest friends and family (as well as that one friend I only keep around due to their basic entertainment factor), it requires less effort to scan James Spann’s weather post (with included radar photos!!) than to even turn on my TV for a local weather report.  Lacking such a report for central Indiana, my new method of weather detection is “carrying a rain jacket with me at all times” because it’s Indiana and, apparently, monsoon season.


However, despite it’s possible original intended use (i.e., Zuckerberg was looking for a date) and the current typical use of the technology (e.g., “omg check out this banana sandwich I’m having for lunch!11!!”, “I have this weird, smelly tumor thing”,  “Oh no! Morgan Freeman died again!!”, etc.), is there really a right way and a wrong way to use social media?  I know there are those annoying ways of using the technology that can get you defriended as quick as the click of a mouse (see previous mini-rant on the use of Facebook as a delivery service), but are these people truly wrong?  I really, really want to say “YES!”, but ultimately, Facebook is a platform that is useless without users (the crazy, as well as the civilized).  So if that’s what you want the world see as your online identity, then post away — but don’t expect me to write you a love song for it.


**Note: Just for clarity…